E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L

I use pregnancy as an excuse for being incredibly emotional, but I'm not sure this is all going to go away. Today I was sitting in church and in the pew in front of us was a couple about the age of our parents. Their grown son came in later in the service and sat down beside them. As soon as he sat down beside his father he immediately put his arm around his dad and hugged him close and then his arm stayed there. At this moment, my heart overflowed with joy just thinking about the fact that I have a baby boy growing inside of me. I had to will myself not to cry. I couldn't stop thinking about the days down the road when my son will put his arm around his dad and share in that special bond that fathers and sons have. I know that I will have a special relationship with my son too, but I am so excited to see Brandon and Fisher grow together. I can't wait to meet my little guy and watch my big guy fall in love with him. I'm sure I'll be emotional then too.

Oh Bother...

I worry like a fool. I've bitten my nails my entire life, being pregnant has helped me to kick the habit. Well, I've kicked it 90%. You see, I need something to rely on when I'm excessively nervous and that is where my 10% failure comes in. I now only bite ONE nail. Crazy right? Some days I feel like I need it! It's like crack or something! But, the more I worry lately the more I believe the word of God in Matthew 6:27 where it says "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" I can feel my life growing shorter with every pang of nervousness. I'm trying to get this under control, rely more heavily on my savior, and believe that what I see as problems are mere blips on the radar in the forecast of life. But, until I've truly grasped this "Let go and let God" thing though, I'll still go back to that one nail...

One Year Ago

One year ago I was pregnant with my first child. One year ago I walked into a doctor's office and was told that this child had no heartbeat. I was devastated. Before becoming pregnant, miscarriage had never entered my mind. I couldn't grasp why this had happened or what I had done to cause it. The doctors and nurses assured me that I had done nothing to cause it. However, no one could convince me that I had not somehow failed in my job as a mom to be. I was tormented by this for months. I was scared, sad, bitter, and jealous. It seemed like no one understood. Even women who had experienced the same trauma seemed to be a million miles away. One year ago, any possibility of a carefree future pregnancy went down the tubes.

Fast forward to today. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. He moves and kicks every day. Every day I wake up hoping to feel his kicks before I start my day. Every day I worry that it will be the day that I lose him. Every day I worry that I will never meet him. I've never met him and I love him more than I can comprehend. My ultrasounds show a healthy baby, I feel good, and have no logical reason to worry. Worry is all I do though. The slightest pain or odd feeling sends me into a tailspin. Hearing of about problems with another woman's pregnancy leaves me waiting for the bottom to fall out. I plan and look forward to his arrival and then stop myself for fear that something will go wrong. I wonder why I deserve a healthy baby when other women have lost their babies. Basically, I live in a state of constant worry. My 6th grade teacher told me that I would have ulcers by the time I was 30 if I didn't stop worrying. Well Ms. Prow, I think I'm going to beat your prediction by a few years at this rate. I pray that God will give me peace and I pray that God will give me a healthy baby. Time will only tell what lies ahead for this manic mom.

4 Weeks Pregnant, Christmas 2010

19 Weeks Pregnant, Christmas 2011