One Year Ago

One year ago I was pregnant with my first child. One year ago I walked into a doctor's office and was told that this child had no heartbeat. I was devastated. Before becoming pregnant, miscarriage had never entered my mind. I couldn't grasp why this had happened or what I had done to cause it. The doctors and nurses assured me that I had done nothing to cause it. However, no one could convince me that I had not somehow failed in my job as a mom to be. I was tormented by this for months. I was scared, sad, bitter, and jealous. It seemed like no one understood. Even women who had experienced the same trauma seemed to be a million miles away. One year ago, any possibility of a carefree future pregnancy went down the tubes.

Fast forward to today. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. He moves and kicks every day. Every day I wake up hoping to feel his kicks before I start my day. Every day I worry that it will be the day that I lose him. Every day I worry that I will never meet him. I've never met him and I love him more than I can comprehend. My ultrasounds show a healthy baby, I feel good, and have no logical reason to worry. Worry is all I do though. The slightest pain or odd feeling sends me into a tailspin. Hearing of about problems with another woman's pregnancy leaves me waiting for the bottom to fall out. I plan and look forward to his arrival and then stop myself for fear that something will go wrong. I wonder why I deserve a healthy baby when other women have lost their babies. Basically, I live in a state of constant worry. My 6th grade teacher told me that I would have ulcers by the time I was 30 if I didn't stop worrying. Well Ms. Prow, I think I'm going to beat your prediction by a few years at this rate. I pray that God will give me peace and I pray that God will give me a healthy baby. Time will only tell what lies ahead for this manic mom.

4 Weeks Pregnant, Christmas 2010

19 Weeks Pregnant, Christmas 2011